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Wishful Thinking

It’s never a woman’s dream to raise her children by herself, but life happens leaving that awful thought to be a reality. In situations like that, you are quickly thrown into survival mode and failure isn’t an option. Making sure your children have everything they need regardless of who is and who isn’t around becomes your main focus. You learn to live and operate without the support of the other parent but what do you do when you find yourself wishing they were around? Is it wrong to think that way? I wish I had that answer because more than often I find myself wishing my situation was different and I had the support of the one who helped me create my little Love Bug.

My youngest daughter is 15 months and I have not seen or talked to her father since I was four months pregnant. I fought hard not to feel ashamed of the fact that I had a child by a person that I knew I should have walked past. I spent plenty of moments in my bed, crying and hating him. Overwhelmed with anger, there was nothing good I could think about when it came to him. I made the decision to invite him into my life, and I am now living with the outcome. I love my daughter and I am more than grateful the Lord has blessed me with her, but I did not want to raise her without him. The guy I called myself dating, turned everything upside down once I got pregnant and when his other baby momma got involved, things for sure was a wrap on him ever being a part of my daughter’s life.

In the area of being a single parent, God has been so good to me! He has placed people in my life to really fill those gaps and help where help is needed. I really had to make peace with my oldest daughter stepping in to help me because she is now helping her mother fight a fight that she has nothing to do with. I had to even put my pride aside and begin to receive help from charities that assist mothers like me care for their children. Whatever I need when it comes to my Love Bug, I receive, and I receive it from family and friends that are willing to help genuinely. At first, things were very hard for me but as my daughter got older, things became easier. The more I prayed and sought God, the more I realized healing was taking place. Call me crazy, but I now find myself wishing he was around to meet his daughter and to bond with the little person that looks just like him.

In the beginning, he made it very clear that he didn’t want to father anymore children and was in full support of me getting an abortion. As time went on and we could not come to a resolution, I decided to distance myself from him and let things be. Despite our past, I find myself hoping that one day he would come around and stand his position as a father. Thoughts like that often shock me because why would I want him around? He made a choice to not want anything to do with my child and having such a privilege should stay revoked. I also find myself wishing he and I could talk and clear the air because at the end of the day, it will never be about he and I…just Love Bug. I’m sure these feelings have a lot to do with my faith in God and maturity.

I was put in a situation that was meant to destroy me and it almost did. My hat goes off to all mothers who are raising children without the support of the other parent. The weight of the responsibility is not easy. I grew up in a single parent household and I remember being a child, waking up in the middle of the night to use the rest room and hearing my mother cry. I could never understand those tears but now I do. It’s easy to wish bad on a person, to hate someone who has done you wrong but, in the end, what does prosper you to feel that way? Nothing but a heart filled with bitterness and being bitter fades the beauty that it meant to shine. I don’t know what the future brings, but deep down inside I pray my daughter will be able to meet him and when she does, he receives her. It takes a certain type of person to live in the same city and their child and not even try to connect with them. I have learned from all my wrongs and I’m sure wherever her dad is, he is learning too. Life is a journey and if we aren’t learning then we most certainly aren’t growing and that’s one thing I pray he is doing and that’s growing.


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