Updated: Oct 10, 2022
Seeing your children grown can be one of the most rewarding things to see as a parent, and I am truly honored I was able to have that experience with both my children. I went from being stressed and overwhelmed, to at ease and more at peace. Not only is my Love Bug walking, but she is evolving into the little person I've been so eager to meet.
I can remember in the beginning how hard starting motherhood over was for me, don’t get me wrong, it’s still very hard but things are getting easier. I have many challenges like having a very small support system and raising my daughter on my own, but I’m making it. Despite those odds, I can’t begin to tell you how good it feels that things are finally smoothing itself out! As a mom that tries to document every little thing my children do, seeing Love Bug walk has been a joyous experience for me. I can remember sitting her on my bed getting her ready to go to my cousin’s house and she stood up, took two steps, and fell back down. I knew then my baby was ready to walk. If it wasn’t for me having to go to work, I would have stayed home to watch every move she made, but I knew I couldn’t afford to. Once I got to my cousin’s house, I made it very clear she was about to start walking and I wanted pictures and lots of them. In that very moment, I couldn’t help but think how different my experience with motherhood is with both my girls. I had the pleasure of being a stay-at-home mom for the first year or so with Milly but with my youngest, I must depend on daycare and other people for help. Despite not wanting to go to work, I felt a little at ease knowing my cousin is good at taking pictures and sending videos so people can still feel connected, regardless of their absence. It sucked I wasn’t going to be the first to see such a beautiful moment, but I had to keep in mind that Love Bug would be with family instead of daycare.
The anxiety of being at work had my nerves all over the place. Literally one hour into my shift, my notifications started going off, I knew then something had happened. The moment I unlocked my phone to go to messages the pictures and videos just started pouring in. My love Bug had started walking and I couldn’t help but to cry and smile. I looked through each picture my cousin sent and watched every video regardless of how long it was. It was a celebration, but my heart was broken because I wasn’t there to cheer my baby on. Instantly my mind started going and that’s something I’m working on controlling. One thing about the healing process and forgiving someone is… you can’t allow yourself to go back down that negative road. My coworkers were excited, and I instantly made a FB post letting the world know the good news, but to me, the moment was off. Even though I have not talked or seen Love Bug’s dad since I was four months pregnant, I couldn’t help but think he should be seeing this! I went from feeling hurt, to sad and angry in a matter of seconds. I spent too much time in prayer asking for healing and a heart to forgive just to let that very moment undo everything I asked the Lord to do. I went to the bathroom to clear my mind and to have a moment to myself, my emotions were all over the place and that needed to be checked. Once I collected myself, I called my cousin, and she told me all about Love Bug and her exciting moment.
Not only was I feeling some type of way but then I started thinking about my mom and grandma and how I wished they were here. Not having them around really taught me how to go through things by myself. I can’t begin to tell you how much I miss them, because I have no words for that. Living life without those two is hard because I know out of everyone around, they were the ones to really have my back. It's funny how life can throw you curve balls because I went from working at a job of six years, being in school working on my degree and hanging with my mom and grandma to being a single mom who is grieving. I could stay mad but what’s the point? God turned everything around for me because this pregnancy could have really taken me overboard but instead, I decided to make it work for me. Seeing Love Bug walk reminds me that she was certainly worth having. Having an abortion with her was not an option for me. I am witnessing her personality, her style as a person and her first everything. The changes I had to make to really push forward and come out of top as a single mother of two, has been worth it. My little baby now follows me around the house and seeing her trying to run cracks me up. She’s talking now and trust me when I say, it’s nonstop! My life is different, yes! But it’s different in a good way. I am now working at an establishment that I love going to everyday and even though I must move at a slower pace, I have ten classes to go before I get my degree. If you ask me, I’m winnin’! She was a hidden blessing and not a mistake. My baby is now coming along and trust me when I say, she’s walking it out and her sister and I will be there every step of the way!