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The Backslider

Updated: Mar 14

Setting goals and boundaries in life are important, they can help you stay focused and disciplined, but what do you do when literally everything you have promised yourself starts slipping through the cracks? Do you fold and give up? Or do you pick yourself back up, pat yourself on the back and try again? Well, that’s where I am and living through the reality of my backsliding is shaping me in more ways than one.

I honestly don’t know where to begin so I’ll just start and pray I am not judged for sharing my truth. As you all know, there have been some health issues I’ve been conquering which includes persevering through a brain tumor. I’ve had both brain surgery and radiation, and my life consists of following up with an MRI every 6 months. Making massive life changes to my diet has limit the number of migraines I get but that was until I started doing the unthinkable. I decided to go back to eating and doing everything that I worked so hard to let go of, and boy why did I do that! I went back to eating all types of meat, I stopped working out and going to the gym and honestly, a part of me stopped caring and just wanted to enjoy the pleasures of life. Here I am suffering and eating as I please smiling through the pain, and I feel terrible. I’m 36 now worrying about the same things that should be behind me and I’m disappointed in myself. I can’t even eat fried chicken or enjoy a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without being in extrema pain and it’s heartbreaking.

My health at one point was very important to me but somewhere down the line, I feel like I gave up on it. I went back to drinking wine and smoking, hoping to find some time of fix for my problems and I know just like anyone else, there’s no cure in that. After watching my mother pass from alcohol and lung cancer, I vowed to never end up like that, so I stopped, and I was successful at doing so for a very long time. I was feeling my absolute best with these lifestyle changes I was making, and I allowed the stressors of this world to cause me to throw in the towel and backslide.

I also stopped going to church. I had an emotional experience with a church I was attending with my children faithfully and it’s been a little challenging finding a new church home. I started going to bible study on Sundays for a while but the pastor in training decided to put things on hold and even since then…I’ve just been continuing to go down the rabbit hole. I can barely read my bible and my prayer life has begun to suffer and that’s one thing I enjoy greatly, praying. On a lighter note, it’s nice to say that I’m sticking in there with school and every class I pass, gets me one step closer to my degree in business. I can’t take as many classes as I would like but…I’m striving to finish because I refuse to go without having it.

I have also found myself letting go of the one thing I desire the most, and that’s to stay abstinent until I meet the right man and when I say right, I’m talking marriage material. I’ve let two years of holding onto my worth go down the drain and I have no one to blame but myself. This is not my first time refraining from such an enjoyable pleasure, but it does make me feel some type of way that I can’t stay abstinent longer than two and half years. My disobedience to a lot of things have put me in positions that I can no longer cry about but deal with. After having the door closed for so long on my second child’s father, I found myself forgiving him and going back. I wonder as women why do we go back when all the signs are there to move forward. This is the second time I have allowed my abstinence to be broken by him and this is the second time I have had faith is a situation that just isn’t for me.

The saying goes, “if you play with fire, you get burned,” and boy is that NO lie. The truth about our situation is we established a while back that we are two different people from two different worlds and a relationship will never work for us. We have talked about it several times and even tried to compromise with one another, but the conversation just led to us both being unfulfilled with what the other was willing to offer. So why did I go back? I ask myself that all the time because going back has cost me and even though I don’t regret the outcome, I wish I never had because a closed door is just what it is…a closed door. I have no problem in admitting my truth, I went back because I wanted to see if there was truly anything of us left. I have feelings yes, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I still care and I always will when it comes to him. I will forever care about both men I have children with. I entertained a false reality all because of two words, “what if?” I believed him when he told he loved me, and I believed all the promises that he made as well. I forgave a person that shattered my heart and opening that door and being intimate with him again, led to us having our second daughter.

The joys of being a girl mom are shaping me but what do you do when you realize that your backsliding has now opened a door that only you can walk through while making peace with your past? I let my feelings get the best of me and I wanted no one to know about it. I didn’t tell my family, I avoided funerals and family functions, I didn’t allow family and some friends to come over and visit because I wanted time to myself to really get my plan together. I didn’t even want my coworkers to know I was pregnant. I managed to keep being with child a secret for almost 7 months until a family member who knew my situation told everyone. Talk about a slap in the face. I was now forced to face my most private moment publicly. Once I realized that he and I situation had no positive outcome, I was embarrassed about what I had gotten myself into, again.

Once I came clean and everyone knew of my pregnancy people had a lot to say. I received backslash and support at the same time. I am fully aware of how those feel who truly care about me, but this is my life to live, and I won’t allow me having more children cause me to fail, if anything, it will cause me to push harder and win. I know I am in a tight spot, but I can’t cry over spilled milk. I know everything I have done has altered my life and the children I already have but I’ll tell you this much, I will make the best of it, and I thank all those who are standing by me to see me through this chapter of my life because the help is indeed needed and appreciated.

I judge no woman who decides to go back. We live and we learn and sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes it isn’t, but I will say this, be prepared for either outcome. Ignoring the red flags is only beneficial for one person, the deliverer. Males will come to play games IF they are allowed to, and as a woman knowing your worth, you must guard everything about you. If I had to redo things, I never would have allowed the door to reopen in the manner that it did. Allowing him to return was never about “us” but our daughter and yet, that’s what it turned into. I don’t regret the blessing that has come out of this because I never thought I would have more than one child, but I do, and I love it. If I had to take the good out the bad it would be how I look forward to seeing my girls grow up together. I am a girl mom, and I will never let that go in vain. Peace.


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