Being the only child certainly has its advantages but what happens when you are forced to handle the loss of your mother or father alone? All the gifts and all the special attention doesn’t matter when that time comes to lay your parents to rest. Dealing with the aftermath is one thing but dealing with it by yourself is a reality I’m sure no one is prepared to face.
I lost my mom at 30 and I lie to you not, it feels just like yesterday. I never thought I would lose my mom at an early age, but I did. My father had made his transition years earlier but it didn’t hit me how losing my mom did. I met my father when I was 17 and by then having the normal daughter and daddy relationship like he and my sister did was out the question. I often thought something was wrong with me because with losing him, I didn’t cry how I did with my mom. I wasn’t as sad, and I most certainly didn’t feel this type of hurt. I was born out of wedlock which explained why he wasn’t a part of my life like he should have been. His absence had a lot to do with the issues I had with men and that was something I had to fight to work through. When I finally met my dad, he did what he could to build a relationship with me so when I lost him, there was no resentment just peace within me because we did meet.
My mom went out her way to provide for me and even though I promised myself I would never be a single mother-I am one
Thinking about my mom brings memories both good and bad so I must be very careful in not blaming myself for her passing because I easily can. My mother battled with substance abuse, and she was a chronic smoker, and, in the end, both costed her. My mother was very private and by the time I found out how serious her cancer was they were ready to announce her stage four. I could remember her passing, I was playing in her hair telling her how proud of her I was for being such a fighter when she took her last breath. My mom went out her way to provide for me and even though I promised myself I would never be a single mother-I am one and because of my own upbringing with my mother, I know how to preserve through such a hardship. I am her only child and the hurt I am left with I must deal with alone. The other night, I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep because raising a child alone is no joke. I know as a fact, if my mom was still with me, half of the things I face…I wouldn’t be facing by myself. What really hurts me is my Love Bug will never know her grandmother or great-grandmother, but I bless God that Amilyah had that blessing. Love Bug has her god parents and how wonderful they are to her. Having them so evolved has really lightened my load. It is because of her god father that she will know what it’s like to have a father around and it is because of her god mother that Love Bug will have a full understanding of who the Lord is.
I often wonder what my life would be like if my mom was still alive, I had plans for us to grow old together and that wasn’t the case. I struggle with trying not to feel alone because I know that I am not. To be honest, I fight the negative thinking all the time. It’s obvious that my Love Bug family is different; her grandparents are not around on either side and her great-grand parents aren’t as well. I have often caught my oldest daughter, Amilyah crying because of the loss of my mom. Boopie is what she called her and she was a beautiful person inside and out. Even though I have my moments, where I cry and just let it out, I do smile. I smile at the fact that my mom was a fighter and I smile at the fact that she did the best she could as a single parent. I smile because even though my children will experience life without her physically, knowing my mom…she will make it her business to be a part of the girls’ life spiritually. I smile because if no one else did, my mom and grandma believed in me-whatever idea I told them I had they supported it. I smile because letting her down is not an option and I know that is what she would want me to do-smile.