As kids we have dreams that we are eager to fulfill and in the magical land of imagination any and everything is possible. When we are grown and reality sets in, our dreams, desires and goals begin to change. I don’t like living with regrets, that’s why with the decisions I’ve made in life, I always take the hand I’m dealt and strive. Growing up in a single parent household, I promised myself I would never become a single mother yet…here I am. Trust me, this is no life I want any mother to experience BUT for those of us who have found ourselves in this situation, let’s make the best of it as we make our way to the finish line.
Excuse my absence for the last couple of months but things have been real on my end and trust me when I say…I will fill you in completely. To start things off, I want to be completely honest by admitting I cannot stand being a single mother. This journey is HARD and stressful but by the grace of God, I am making it. As I’ve mentioned before, my eldest child's father is involved, but my second child, I care for her solely. Maintaining a single parent household has its challenges, I must do all the cooking, cleaning, potty training, bill paying, taking and picking kids up from school, doctor appointments and laundry without help and it can get annoying. Yes, my thirteen-year-old does help me but she is a child, and my weight is not for her to carry.
When it comes to my life, finding balance and time for myself is very hard to do so at times, I don’t even try. I work, I am in school pursuing my degree, I have several business projects that I’m working on, and I maintain a household by myself so you can imagine having a social life is almost impossible to have. There are men interested in me but the way my life is setup and what I’ve been going through, I literally must catch them later. Even when I call myself trying to catch a break and run to the bathroom for a moment of peace, here come my children busting through the door just to be in my presence. Even if I want a moment to myself, the people that I truly trust are all too busy to keep Aniya and when I do find someone, it’s every blue moon. My days start at 6:00am and sometimes doesn’t end until the following day, so if you ever wanted to talk about getting sleep, it wouldn’t be with me. I am a mom on the go and instead of looking at it negatively, I try to pull the positive out. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments where I lay in bed doubting and questioning myself, I will even call a dear friend of mine and cry my heart out to her but those are just moments of stress that I need to let out. I am a mother who has children depending on me and no matter how I feel or what I am going through, failing, and quitting with them on my back will never be an option for me. Never.
I have plenty of people telling me, “Rebekah, you make what you are going through look so easy.” Truthfully, I did not know how to take that a first and it was almost like a slap in the face but now…baby I’m good with it because I had to develop the attitude that this situation doesn’t have me-I have it! During these last few months, I’ve been doing some soul searching trying to figure out why I make the irresponsible decisions that I do when it comes to men. After really having to be honest with myself, I realized…I lack self-love. I’ve had good situations with men in my past, but it doesn’t outweigh the bad and that needs to change.
Even though I had my first daughter at twenty-two, it was my second pregnancy that really shed light on a lot of things that I needed to change. Not only did I allow myself to get pregnant by someone I know isn’t the one, but I also allowed myself to settle and that’s where I went wrong. I settled for potential, I settled for the sake of having his presence around and even though I ignored all the red flags, I settled for the possibility of “just maybe things can change.” Bad move Rebekah! I became content with having someone lay next to me almost every other night that did not truly love me or himself versus continuing to wait for the man that was able to prove everything he tells me. I should have seen it coming, yet, I didn’t and even though my actions caused me to be in this situation, I won’t complain about a thing.
I was scared to death to be a single mother, yes, I grew up in a single parent household but to walk in these shoes is a whole different ball game. Truth be told, I now understand why I used to catch my mother crying in the middle of the night and smiling during the day. Despite my situation, one thing I’m not going to do is allow the absence of anybody in my life or my children determine our end. Trust me when I say, whenever the odds are against me, I will always, and I do mean always come out on top. The moment I had Aniya, I took one look at her and promised her I would not fail, and I meant that from the bottom of my heart. Having two children was a serious adjustment for me, mind you I had my first child at twenty-two and my second at thirty-two and I was scared to death. The road I was headed down, I knew would be hard and full of sacrifices, but I was up for the challenge. Game on.
Deciding to have my daughter was a huge decision for me, there were people around me who felt I should abort but that’s not what I wanted to do. I didn’t have the heart to make that decision again. At nineteen I had an abortion and had I weighed my options with a clear mind, I would have made a different decision. Here I am at thirty-five and I still think about what and who my child could have been in this world today. I must come clean though, my heart still grieves that very moment I changed not just my life, but my child’s as well. Even though I don’t have the “ideal situation,” I don’t regret having my Aniya not one bit. Now, could I have waited? Of course, I could have but choosing not to have her was not an option regardless of what anyone had to say.
I have people that look at me right now trying to figure out how I am persevering through a situation that is meant to break me, and I have one word, GRACE. This hand I’m dealt, I play as if I have nothing but spades, aces, and jokers in it. I will tell anybody willing to hear my story when it comes to the success of my children, I come to win and never play. I am a grown woman who has made some very adult decisions and I own up to it with responsibility and accountability. When being intimate with a person is consensual, it takes two to tango and I won’t be shamed for it. My child is not a mistake! Yes, things get hard but that’s expected in a single parent household and really any household if you ask me. My children make everything I do and every step I take towards bettering myself worth it. I never thought I would have more children and yet, here I am- a girl mom and I love it! My situation is a “no takeback” situation that I live and strive through every day with poise, grace, and strength. I know just like everyone else, I could have made another decision and continued to live the life I had with just my oldest daughter and I but why would I? I could have easily said "no" to this life and turned the other cheek, but I didn’t. I could have kept everything I knew I would have to give up if only I had said “no” to having my child, but I sacrificed it all to have her. I could have kept my job, a life without this struggle, and more freedom but I didn’t want to relive another sixteen years thinking of a child I chose to abort. I didn’t want that heartbreak again so…I kept my child, and I am honored to be able to experience the ball of life that she is.
I want to say to every mother out there living out this journey, it’s okay to cry or even feel frustrated at times. This journey is not for the weak and we are entitled to have these types of moments but stay strong. You are the woman you are today because of your journey, and I commend you for never giving up. Remember, every odd that comes against you, you can beat and every step you take towards overcoming only shows how greatness is always destined to find you even during your darkest moments.
If you are a mother in need of certain resources while caring for your child, please visit the resources page to start receiving the extra help you need today. Stay blessed.