Healing With A Purpose

A while ago I took a step back from everything I love; I was lost and struggled to find me. I slowly but surely stopped writing, getting dressed and going out, going to church and even praying. I centered my life around my children while erasing who I was and to me, it seemed normal; I was lying in a bed I made for myself, and I didn’t complain about it. I called myself prioritizing but I failed to realize what I was doing was not healthy. I had entered an area of my life where isolation felt safe and shutting people out was the only way to deal with my trauma but the question is…was I really dealing with it or was the trauma dealing with me?    

After I had my third daughter, my life took a turn. If you’ve been following my story, you would know that I was let go from my job while on maternity leave. The director at the time decided to make changes to her entire staff and I’ll admit, it was a tough pill to swallow but nonetheless, I swallowed it. I was working part-time, my maternity leave was unpaid, and there was nothing like believing I had a job to return to, only to find out…I was let go the moment I left to give birth. I was jobless, and the plan I thought I had became just that, a plan I had. After having additional time off, I eventually landed a job and was able to pick up where I left off except this time, I was forced to go back to working full time.

The way I was balancing work, school, children and business appeared to be fine to people looking in from the outside, but the truth is…it wasn’t. As I was in pure “mommy mode,” I was shutting off the lights and closing the door on the people and things that shaped me. I replaced “my time” with extra things to do for my children, and I stopped worrying about me…and deep down inside, I knew I mattered.

Despite everything I have going on, there were a few other major changes, but I’ll talk to you about that later. Now that I have realized the areas of my life that are hindered, I am working on fixing them. People often ask me, “Rebekah, what do you like to do?” and to be honest, I don’t know anymore. I must relearn me all over again and that will take some time.

This past Spring going into the Summer, I was able to have some time for myself and enjoy having time with my girls doing the things I normally don’t have the time to do. I have been to the water park, beach, bowling, movies, horseback riding, go kart racing and I’m back writing. I’m pretty sure you are thinking these are small things that are normal for a person to do but for me, they are now new. This summer, I’m working on fixing me and the best part about all of this is…I’m happy to be doing so. I found a new church home for my children and I, I’m going to Bible study and I’m rebuilding my relationship with God.

I am enjoying putting myself first, it is a challenge but nonetheless, I’m prevailing in this area. I finally went back to work after having some healthy time off and I feel more focused and I found myself making some very tough decisions. See, it’s nothing like being wrapped up with the wrong crowd and I felt myself slipping heavy in that direction at one point. I found myself making room for all of those things that are not of God; gossip, slander, drama and having mishaps and it was draining me. I cut off people and distanced myself from those who created a lot of deception in my life. I was experiencing breakthrough and I wanted none of the old me to breakthrough. I Had to lay myself before the Lord and allow him to fix me. My aunt said something to me a while back about as women we must learn to love ourselves and that stuck with me. Ladies, I choose to heal and when doing that, you must be honest about all you need to heal from. This time off that I just experienced was important and as time goes on, I’ll reveal little by little so you can understand in depth why healing and relearning me is so personal.