Updated: Oct 10
It's all fun and games until things get real and when they get real, it's the decisions we make that defines us.
The cat is out the bag and it's official, I'm pregnant! Twelves weeks to be exact and I'm... freaking...out because THIS... is not what I was expecting. My thoughts are literally every where and I won't lie having an abortion did pop in my mind but I didn't have the heart to do it. To me, that was a cop out. Even though I was was no where near ready or mentally prepped to have another child, I wanted to keep my unborn and that's exactly what I did. James on the other hand, didn't know how to react or what to do. His drama was escalating, we kept having problem after problem and me being with child sent him over the edge. Even though he and I were not together, I still expected for him to assist with the raising of our beautiful seed but...that duo quickly turned into a lack of support leaving me to be a single parent. Not to mention, my grandmother fell ill and things were not looking to good. At all.
Life at this point was crazy! I was able to finish my semester with a bang (all smiles) but because I was expecting, I decided to take some time off from school. Re-prioritize and reposition myself. The people in my household knew I was pregnant but I hadn't quite told the rest of my family or friends. Why? Because honestly...I didn't know how. How was I going to tell them the guy I was dating on and off for over a year was no longer going to be a part of the picture? I had goals and plans, people younger than me that looked up to me. Don't get me wrong, I wanted another child when I became married, not while I was uncommitted to a person but hey, this is the real world and I'm living a real life. I needed time to get myself together and the fifty questions that I knew people had, I just didn't want to answer. Eventually, things became so over board with James that I had to change my number. The more time that went by without talking to or even seeing him, the more his seven digit number began to leave my memory. Not to mention, I told James due to the extent of his "problems," he was no longer welcomed around until he provided a safe environment for his child. Here it is several months later and I've yet to talk to or even see him.
I had the tumor removed April 2018 and in the midst of building the life I desire, it returns.
See, before I even found out I was pregnant, I got the shock of my life, a brain tumor that I had been fighting hard to keep away had returned. Go figures! The doctor's wanted one more MRI in six months before any decisions were made. But of course, that couldn't happen because of the lil' one, so I had to wait until I delivered. I had the tumor removed April of 2018 and in the midst of building the life I desire, it returns. My heart was completely shattered. But I had things to do, so I kept pushing forward. So as you can see, my plate was extremely heavy and privacy was all I needed but to the people on the outside looking in, my privacy meant I felt "ashamed" and that was far from the case. I was drowning in the inside and also pregnant without the father to help.
Everyday I went to work, smiled, acted normal and only spoke of my pregnancy to two people: My manager and my co-worker, Emily. Time was of the essence and I had to act and be strategic. I worked hard forming my game plan to raise my child without James. I mean, I did grow up in a single parent household. Heck, I didn't even meet my dad until I was seventeen so of course, I learned a lot from my mom. Despite being super excited about the arrival of my bundle of joy, things were going to be tough but I could do it. I tried not to stress but I was on edge about everything and the bigger I got the more my co-workers wanted to know and just like my family, there were left in the dark as well.